DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: That BMF
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Author unknown
TOOLS EXPLAINED
Good God! Joke. The Harley Davidson Facts...
The Harley-Davidson Facts
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.' 'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Biker joke - The crusty old biker
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere,
parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of
sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good,
‘cause I want a cheeseburger".
Biker riddle.
Scroll down for answer
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A starter kit!
Sven & Olie
Sven and Ole join an outlaw motorcycle club, and get drunker than skunks. They die in a motorcycle accident and go to Hell.
The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.
He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of
snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya
know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the
heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from Minnesota ,
the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and
drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is
in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?'
Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere
at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis
nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been
cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell.
The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail,
moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole
and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats,
and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming
like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat
you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong
with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if
hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl!
biker joke
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.
Biker joke.........Too Little, Too Late
So the guy says,
Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, "You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!"
Impressed, St. Peter says,
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
Biker joke
Biker Joke ....... What's in a name?
She approached him and introduced herself as Carmen.
“That's a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”
He said, “Harley Titsenbeer”. “Nice to meet you”.
Biker joke (Warning) "mildly explicit"
They got to talking about what they got their wives for their last anniversaries.
The doctor took sip of his martini and said I got my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes. That way if she didn't like the diamond ring, she would know how much I love her because of the very expensive car I bought her.
The lawyer took a sip of his scotch and said I got my wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas. That way she would know how much I love her, even if she didn't like the necklace.
The biker took a big swig of his beer, farted, and burped, and said I got my wife a Harley t-shirt, and a vibrator. That whay if she didn't like the shirt she could go "F" herself.
Ba-Dum-Bum
Good biker joke
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
One day Mildred made a mistake.
She accused Frank, a biker, and a new member of the church of being an alcoholic after she saw his Harley parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank and several others that everyone seeing his motorcycle parked in front of the bar during the daytime hours would know what he was doing.
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment shook his head, hopped on his bike and rode away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly pushed his Harley in front of Mildred's house... walked home.... and left it there all night.
You gotta love a biker!
